January

If you would have told me that was going to marry a man 18 years older than me I would have slapped your face with my parent's AARP magazine. He was different, I met him when I was 18 he was the engineer at the local college radio station, The Choice 90.9 KTSU formerly  The Black Jewel. Shadow was tall mature and very agile for a man his age his body was built like a retired basketball player. Shadow was quiet but intelligent he knew the radio station like the back of his hand any issue with the sound board, microphones reel to reel everything electronic he knew it and he knew he was the only person who could fix the problem. Shadow was so arrogant his attitude aloof when the station had parties or any social gatherings Shadow was nowhere to be found. Shadow wasn't social he always seemed annoyed by people like an elitist.

I was ignored by Shadow for the 7 years I was at the radio station he knew me but never a really had a real conversation with me. I can't blame him I was a ball of confusion in my 20's alcohol was my buddy, music was my Mister and everything in between was my vice. The musicians, the substances, the lights and fame. Although, I was a Houston D.J. life was fabulous for a young woman budding in broadcasting in the 90's I got to spin and meet some of the best hip-hop artists of the decade. From The Pharcyde, Brand Nubian, Rudy Ray Moore and Jazz greats like Roy Ayers who I traded t-shirts with during our interview; the real cats who built this thing call jazz which is hip- hop's ancestor.

Coming back 10 years later, for career day was an invitation back to my playground but as an adult.
The School of Communications in the Martin Luther King Building was full of recruiters  representing different companies looking for college graduates to set them up with a new career path. I was setting up my table for the school I was representing, not that I wanted anybody to enter into the hell I was working in but I jumped at the chance to go back to the beloved yard, TSU. While setting up my flat screen for the video presentation some man's big black boot stepped on the chord and unplugged it when I stood up to say , "move your foot" it was Shadow. Shadow had not aged in 10 years maybe a little more gray still had the body of an athlete and that stern look on his face when he saw who I was he took a double take. Nikki, he said no Nacol only Detria Marie Ward at KTSU could call me Nikki.
Excuse me , he said I see you still have your sense of humor, of course I said.

Part 2


After months of Shadow coming for me through text, phone calls and emails, I finally gave into one date. I started to cancel that one because I had a sinus infection, I will admit I was nervous about going what would we talk about he didn't drink , he never socialized what were we going to do for fun?
We met at 7:30 on the dot, well we were supposed to 7:40 pm I pulled in the parking lot rushing to put on lipstick in the vanity mirror of my Chrysler 200. Shadow was very sneaky at times he would walk right up on you and stand there silently until you noticed him and screamed. As, I was putting on my lipstick he opened the car door, I screamed WTF I turned to see who was opening my door I saw him and it still didn't register so I screamed and then we both laughed. I thought you weren't coming , I started not to,I said then these would have gone to waste Shadow presented me with a big bag of dove Chocolates, my favorite you remembered, I said for the many text messages we had sent each other I didn't know why I was nervous we talked about everything from divorce to death. I was nervous about how disciplined and straight laced he was but I was wrong age can be very deceiving.

Walking out of the parking lot Shadow led me to a little club up some narrow stairs a lady met us at the end of the stairs at the red door, to enter you had to pay 15 dollars each. Into the smoke filled room I thought it was some kind of underground sex chamber when the smoke cleared it was a palm sized jazz club swinging all the jazz standards. We sat on the side wall next to the drummer's girlfriend , the shirt she was wearing said that she was the drummer's girlfriend. Fuck drummers. Anyway, we sat by her and she had whiskey in her purse with my sinus infection flaring up warm whiskey and lemon juice was perfect and after about 2 of them I loosened up.  Shadow leaned over into my ear and said the woman next to you used to be the biggest hoe on the yard back in the day the drummer's girlfriend no the one sitting by the the drummer's girlfriend I didn't see her in the corner and after two drinks I thought I was hallucinating when I focused to see who Shadow was speaking about, my face dropped that bitch! I hadn't seen her since divorce court she was the knuckle dragging bitch that claimed I jumped my ex-husband while we were married she introduced us and I told her everything about our relationship because she knew my ex-husband before I did years, before I did. I looked her in her eyes I can't say her name because she doesn't deserve a name she looked at me and had the nerve to say hi, hi, I said before I could say one word Shadow came and rescued what would have been an HPD event. Shadow grabbed me with one hand and the check with the other he threw some cash at the register and swooshed us downstairs. There were some black tables in front of the club to smoke and  have conversations after the club was over we sat down and he asked me tenderly what's wrong? Who was that woman to you? My ex-husband's play aunt Singahore is your ex-husband's kin or friend? Yes. We worked together at this big church in third ward, Singahore worked there and she showed me the ropes at the church, as far as business went I had been a member of that church since 1975 I knew the church as a member but the professional side of it was a different beast. Singahoe came off as a helper at first over half of the staff at church didn't like her, I know why now. Singahoe finds friends who have power my Dad was the Business Administrator for years and that's why she befriended me and the Pastor's daughter. Through every argument and ex-girlfriend citing Singahoe listened to my stories gave me advice and told me I could tell him she was the one giving me the advice. Singahoe knew my ex-husband was violent so when it came to custody of our son in divorce court I needed her to be honest instead she got on the stand and said I was violent and constantly jumped on my ex-husband the judge didn't believe her not sure why except for God kept me again. Shadow face was so hurt like he really was feeling my hurt bringing up these memories say no more , he said. Singahoe always been a user. Eww did you sleep with her, I asked ewww no she slept with everybody else, Shadow replied. All you had to do was get her some records and she would do anything I loved my records more than I liked Singahoe.
We sat there talking for hours I know Singahoe walked out long before we stopped talking but I know he kept me occupied on purpose.
This was a great date I said thank you for listening. Shadow kissed me on the cheek and said drive safely, you do the same.

part 3

The next 3 dates with Shadow were amazing and romantic I had't been romanced like that since my ex-husband's representative. You know the guy that shows up for the first 6 months of your relationship and we hang on for years waiting for him  to come back. Well, he never came back and while I was married to him I dwindled down to a depressed, suppressed lifeless individual. Everything was about his mood or how he would take things it was exhausting to please someone who would never be happy. Shadow treated me the exact opposite I was a queen I was cared for and doors were opened but of course it had not been that long and soon Shadow would show who he really was just like everybody else. I enjoyed it while it lasted and it lasted about 7 months before all shit hit several fans.
Shadow and I hadn't been intimate which made me want him even more he never tried anything we had meaningful conversations about music, life and the after life. Then Shadow moved our relationship to the next level by inviting me out of town for the weekend. To a NASA reunion for all the black engineers who worked on this project in the 80's. Up until this point I hadn't met any of Shadow's friends or relatives I was excited to go on the adventure.
Shadow said we would leave around 4pm he would pick me up but I lived with my parents and I didn't want to walk out of the house with a suitcase and an unidentified man an old man! Shadow persisted and called me when he got outside again I declared, I can't just walk out with a suitcase and say I'm spending the weekend with you. Shadow literally ignored me came to the door rung the doorbell and before my parents could make it downstairs, I yelled I got it, and close the door behind me. Once Shadow and I got in the car I asked why didn't you let me park at your house on second thought why have I never been to your house? Shadow was silent, didn't say a word that pissed me off, how dare you not respect my living arrangement. Shadow changed the subject this place we are going to as some great drinks and seafood, OK I said. As we drove up to Barbara's Crab Shack we walk in together but I was left at the bar by myself while Shadow went on the patio to the party, I figured I will get a drink and he will come and get me and introduce me. Two hours  and 4 glasses of wine later it was evident that I wasn't going to be introduced to anybody. I felt uneasy throughout the night even at the romantic dinner Shadow planned I was happy but worried. When we got back to the hotel Shadow showed me all the movies he downloaded for us to watch every black old movie that we discussed, I began to relax again but I had one question that kept looming. Why didn't he respect my place and why didn't he answer me abut visiting his house?
Bedtime

Lord, that bed was big and he was older I didn't know what to expect I laid down and watched the laptop in the middle of the bed, Shadow was behind me massaging my back. WHY I asked this question is still a  mystery but I asked, Do you live with somebody? With a deep exhale Shadow replied, yes. My feet didn't touch the floor I remember me standing there cussing him and asking why did you pursue me and you live with somebody you black mother, and a bunch of other obscenities, take me home now, I yelled and I punched him in the middle of his chest. I wanted to go right through and yank his heart out because my heart was already on the floor devastated.

45 minutes of pure silence all the way home.

I jumped in Shadow's car and turned my face to the passenger window and cried silently to myself I didn't want him to know how devastated I truly was about the situation. I was so upset I cried myself to sleep the next thing I felt was Shadow's hand on my shoulder I snatched my shoulder back from his touch and looked around, calm down he said you are home. I got out of the car in lighting speed when the trunk flew open I didn't wait for him to get my bag I flung the suitcase out of the trunk and ignored his whispering explanation at 3 am.  Rasha please he begged, Fuck you as I walked in the house and slammed the door.
Later that morning
The phone rung constantly, Shadow, Shadow, Shadow,  after two hours of calling, what ? What do you want, you live with a woman go talk to her! Only thing I hate about cell phones you can't hang up in nobody face, I got up and started angry cleaning I cleaned my room , the bathroom the garage even got a scrubbing. My parents came home from church and both asked , who you mad at, Nobody. I was depressed inside I did't want to hurt like that again why did I have to get hurt again?  I know just my opinion but when you just come off a bad marriage and a horrible divorce can a bitch get a break ,damn!
A month went by Shadow finally stopped calling. I went to work in a daze for a couple of weeks and where I work that's dangerous it was a middle school all boys run by 3 idiots that couldn't find their butt in a scratching contest. These people were the worst kind of people they were followers and they followed behind their slow witted nose digging leader a retired football player who in my opinion got hit in the head one too many times had to have been the reason he was such a bastard! On my first day of working a the school this fine Cafe au lait version of the perfect black man opened the door and said, good morning, the name is Coach Roach and you are Ms. Williams, yes Ms. Lass said you would start today. Coach showed me to my desk and gave me a tour of the school and we talked about the history and the mission of Bill Cosby Academy. Bill Cosby Academy is a charter school in Sunnyside and one the dull points of light that heads this place is name  Ignacio Raymus and his plug in wife Mrs. Raymus, she only talked when you plugged her into the conversation otherwise she would sit and charge herself in the corner. Mr. Raymus would surround himself with intelligent people then he would start to break them down to nothing by  ridiculing everything you are acting like an employee not a partner I heard him tell somebody, you don't speak to any visitors directly keep your head down and then he told me my shoes were too loud and it gets better! These niggas wouldn't pay me 30 k for the 75 k work I was doing and I am being modest on the 75 k. I found out very fast that Coach was trying to be my personal friend even though he was married. Mr. Raymus's assistant who wanted to be his wife but she was too fat, her dumb Jerri -curl wearing ass was manipulating, messy and fat did I mention fat. Ms. Debra Lass would befriend you and eat lunch with you even by your lunch wipe your tears and listen to you about your boyfriend, crushes and your family and report it all back to Raymus. I realize that after I shared a bit of information about a new hire I knew him from a previous time he was a good guy just outdated with his look but he was good administrator and teacher. Mr. Potter was studying to be a Deacon at his church when he started at Bill Cosby Academy he let them know every Saturday morning would be booked for 6 weeks. Every first and third Saturdays we were at work managing the Man Jr. mentoring group all the male coaches are there and I'm the program Coordinator so I made sure they had their agenda, quote for the day and a speaker. This is the day you could line up each male employee and pass out their dicks because these niggas had no balls working with Raymus. When Raymus would walk in these grown men would make sure their shirts were tucked in and they might be asked any of the principles or pillars and they had to be ready like the army.  It took me a minute to figure out the playbook but when I got it I played also. The school was located in the historical neighborhood of Sunnyside the organization has a whole needed re branding, marketing campaign I needed to get the word out about what I thought at the time to be a flourishing environment for young men. I know now its a drowning cesspool of regret for adults. Ms. Lass, Mr. Raymus and Blanco were the three points of command for the all boys middle charter school. Coach Roach was the head of Man Jr. and I was his assistant when he needed administrative duties taken care of, we took to boss and lady secretary set up quite nicely. Soon the rumors started about Coach and I not to mention about my clothes looking expensive and my car apparently I supposed to be as ratcheted as Ms. Lass who comes to work adorned in work out gear! Honey, this ain't the gym! But Raymus was a health nut and that made Lass want to run jump and kiss ass in the most organic way. Lass must have gotten wind of how Coach Roach and I have been staring at each other flirting and buying lunch for each other, I didn't see the harm and having some girl talk but I would learn soon just cause they listening that don't mean they hearing for you.

Part 4

She needed a favor. Ms. Lass standing her big butt right in front of my door to the office with coffee. Good Morning Nacol, how are you? She's asking me how I'm doing this favor must be a doozy.
After I got into my office Ms. Lass appeared again, Nacol when you get yourself situated we need you in the small conference room. I tipped toed down to down to the kitchen to get some new coffee, before I went into the gateway of ignorance and foolishness took a gulp cause I don't trust Ms. Lass ass for nothing. Took a deep breath and started walking down the long cold hall to the conference room. Every task seem like a test, like they wanted me to fail they would ask for the moon and then question where I got the rope after I would lasso the moon for them. Understated they was niggas. I opened the door to the conference room and Raymus always sat at the head of the table, Ms. Lass was seated on his right and Blanco was seated next to her they would all sit on one side and I sat on the left by myself it was a power move they had all these power moves but no real movement of power.

Raymus, started first he always had to start off with a story nigga, what do you want? Single sex education is a trend starting to catch on in a few charter schools the  idea that girls and boys learn differently so they should be taught differently. The single sex conference was born they need a way to get the word out about the conference and the school.  Nacol that's where you come in you are our Public Affairs Coordinator, we need a sort of project lead to get the conference together give the event a theme, catering , advertising blah,blah. They needed me I knew the people in broadcasting, catering and the right cinematographer who could assist in producing a documentary for the finale of the conference.
Shadow. Shadow would be perfect he knew the people, I didn't, he thought about details that I would forget but he lives with a woman my brain said, we love him, my heart said. You are a dumbass my brain said. I know, my heart said as my finger dialed his number. He answered immeadeatley, Yes, how are you? I'm good. Look I have to protect myself first and foremost, I said, I understand Shadow replied, is there anything you need? I told him about the set-up and he told me, you got this! I hope, said cause these niggas is closing in for blood.
For the next 2 months they had to follow me, they were blind and this was my territory, plus I was getting results, all the t.v. stations called back to set-up interviews the radio stations followed the same trend either it was interesting or they wanted to know what the Bill Cosby Academy really is. Good question. I separated the unholy three into committees, Raymus's job was to get the boys together for the opening and closing program, Lass was to get the budget together and letters of sponsorship and special guest invites, Blanco was in charge of security, parking , waxing of the floors, next I got everybody's t-shirt size because yes, I designed logos for the t-shirts and the program posters and program agenda. I was finally getting the respect I deserved, I led each weekly meeting asked people about their progress and gave them additional help wherever they needed it. Now the film was going to be the cherry on top to bring the house down to give a true representation of the organization, to show I need more money because I'm a bad ass! Late nights early mornings, we were chugging along and the three had to listen to me but since everything was going good why shouldn't they listen. Ms. Lass hated the respect Raymus was giving me, I was constantly in his office going over speeches and decor Raymus knew he had the right person for the job so why couldn't they always see my potential.

The t-shirts came today, they were so fly another on of my connections all my friends and colleagues came through just had to meet with one more person , Shadow.
Raymus and Blanco had stressed about the whole conference being filmed in every room and during the opening and the finale. I wasn't sure if Shadow could handle all of that and make me look good. While the staff members were sorting out the sizes, I heard over the loudspeaker, Ms. Williams, you have a visitor in the main lobby. My heart started to pump, it was Shadow he was standing in the front looking at an Aurthur Biggs mural, you rang, I said, he turned around damn , you look good, Whatever, I hadn't seen Shadow since that night he told me he lives with a whole woman, I did the right thing and stopped talking to him until I needed something he owed me!
I walked him around the facility and we discussed micing the room lights everything technical. I will draw up a budget later but we could do everything for about 1500 really I said, yes Shadow replied I pay my students a little and the cameras will be from school so you saving alot because I have the equipment in house. We had a weekly what's your status meeting for each committee and I would have an update that will knock their socks off. Coach Roach and the other men of BCA were trying on t-shirts and Ms. Lass puts her shirt on a flipped out , this is too small! What do you mean, that's the size you asked for. No it isn't I asked for a x-Large and this is a large. Are you sure I asked, Ms. Lass started to get an unnecessary attitude, If you look at the form you will see I asked for an x-large, ok here is an x-large my mistake I said, at this point the other employees had started to gather because Ms. Lass had to use her outside voice to talk to me about these shirts. Just cause you gave nme the wrong size don't try to just give me a shirt. What, you wrote down the wrong size and you were trying to make me get another size. Ok! Ms. Lass my mistake just take the x-large, she had an audience and now she could perform as she went on an on the other employes looked embarassed for me but happy they weren't the ones being called out. This bitch went all around the world about this t-shirt size! As the rant was still going on I felt tears coming to my eyes I hated how she would find pleasure in embarassing people. Shadow entered the lobby everybody in the building could hear her going off on me. Shadow came in and stood right in front of her and said aren't you presenting why would you e wearing a t-shirt , anyway. You right, Mr. Shadow she turned into this eye fluttering flirty female in the presence of a man. Ms. Lass was the worst kind of woman she liked to show up other women and not in a good way.